Sunday, 16 October 2011

Cars, cars, cars, an' more Cars. An' some naff un's an' all.

So, t'other day I was watching this crackin' video here regarding Chav Cars by Jordan James. I do highly suggest you watch it 'cause I literally did piss mesel laughing at it. Why? 'Cause everything he says is TRUE!

Which brings me on to my topic of the day.


Seriously, I DETEST Chav cars. Main reasons being that there's always a total arsehole driving said chav car plus, they're always the most hideous, ugliest looking cars you will ever see. I know a lot of people who butcher their cars with added engine gubbins an' vulgar eye-offensive body kits an' these very people when they found that me own personal car sitting pretty in me driveway is an '04 Toyota Celica VVTL-i T-Sport asked me; "You gonna change it?" (Yes I know my car is actually listed as a chav car, but do I look like a chav? No. Far from it. I eat chavs for dinner. I would've said breakfast but I haven't had anything that even remotely resembles breakfast in well over a decade. XD )

NO I AM NOT FUCKING WELL CHANGING IT! It's fine as it is! No am NOT putting on some ridiculous supercharger on it NOR am I putting on a bigger spoiler or some 'orrible body kit 'cause there is NOWT wrong with it the way it is. It's a nice looking car on it's own I don't want or need to ruin it with some overpriced trinkets. The only thing I've changed in it is the stock stereo, to a JVC KW-XR811 double-din unit. I didn't change the speakers or add some stupid big-arsed subwoofer. Hell no. I'm not that obnoxious. The only other things I've put in are some Companion Cube fuzzy dive, rosemary beads an' a Buddy Christ. For a laugh. THAT'S IT. Nothing more. It's staying stock.

I don't feel the need to change anything about me car. I don't even have the want to either as I said before, there's nowt wrong wi' it. Not only that but but keeping this car costs enough an' I sure as hell don't wanna break me bank account adding unnecessary bells on it. No thank you.

But back to chav cars though. Jordan's list is quite comprehensive in terms of the cars they have an' what they strive for. Usually they do start out with summat like a Citroen Saxo or a Vauxhall Corsa. Tiny cars may I add. They're more suited for someone who doesn't have the money to keep a larger car or for someone who really doesn't need a larger car. In fact, a lot of women drive these smaller cars 'cause they are so small an' are easier to drive. Or you do get the odd sensible young guy who has one as a runaround. Fair enough.

The Citroen Saxo. Small, small engine, cheap to run, PRACTICAL.

But no, when you're a chav; you just can't settle for keeping one of these small cars as they are. Oh no. They get their hands on summat like that an' as sure as eggs is eggs or that every odd numbered Star Trek movie is shit; they have to start butchering. Their aim for said car is to make it sound like an' absolute monster an' to make it look well... To make it look NOTHING like the car that is actually underneath. Take a look for yourself.

I think there's a Corsa under there somewhere...

Another thing about this though is that none of these modifications are cheap. Basic body kits for the likes of Vauxhall Corsas cost a few hundred quid new. Then obviously the more intricate stuff costs a lot more. Then there's the big-shit stupid exhausts, they're far from cheap. Boxes an' fancy chrome tips setting you back a further few hundred quid. THEN there's the ridiculous paint jobs, the stupid sound systems, the 'orrible alloys, having the car lowered, having turbos put on which are fucking expensive too. So to turn a car which probably cost em 800 quid to buy in to summat they reckon looks "Well Class" costs thousands an' thounsands of pounds. I dunno why they do it. Plus you have to feed the thing, pay road tax, have it MOT'd an' insured too. But a lot of 'em save money so they say on insurance as they do summat incredibly illegal; an' don't declare any modifications to their car. Naughty naughty.

But of course because there are loads of these liccle shits about that do this, they're in the know. They know people who are mechanics or work in paint shops blah blah so they get a lot of this shit done either for free or on mates-rates. They also say that car modding is a hobby. Which in my opinion it isn't. Because really if they are TRUE chavs then they stereotypically have no job an' are on the dole. Which is a pittance. So, where are they getting the money from to go get a bunch of this stuff int first place eh? They're screaming poverty yet they're driving some car about that's got thousands of quids worth of mods on it.

It just doesn't add up. I went an' got a good car int first place. Not some cheap arse liccle thing then spent christ know how much on it trying to make it look an' drive like summat it's not. Why can't they do that? Can't they just save this money an' wait a liccle bit longer so they can go buy the chav car of all chav cars, the Subaru Impreza?

Like Jordan, I think this car is SHIT. Hate 'em with a passion. Wouldn't be caught dead in one.

An' I'll tell you now, I will NEVER buy a car off a chav boy-racer. Why? These things in my eyes are not safe an equate to a cut and shut car. No your car is not "mint" or "gangsta" it's a fucking deathtrap. An' I sure as hell would not be sat in aside a boy-racer. Compared with other young drivers with a car with specs equivalent to mine, I drive pretty damn conservatively. I love me car to death an' I don't wanna see it in bits nor do I meself want to be in bits.

Kenny, my sort of adoptive big brother I never had has an S reg TDI Golf. He's had it re-mapped, lowered an' has stuck these god awful carbon black looking 19" rims on it. When he gets in it now, it drags ont ground. It's hideous. He takes great pleasure in telling me that his diesel Golf get's more bph than mine, mainly due to it being re-mapped. I really don't care. But for some reason he REALLY wants to drive my car an' of course I won't let him. Nobody but me drives my car, me father barely drives it either but I won't let him drive it 'cause he'd put farm-stink in it. Kenny can't even fit in mine anyway. He tried that one afternoon an' locked himself in it trying to wind me up. Then he realised he couldn't actually get himself out the driving set. I dragged him out by the ears an' he had to fall out 4 inches off the ground where my car actually sits. So there you go. He can't put the seat back far enough either haha!!

Anyroad I think that's about it for now. Yes this has been a rant an' no I don't care if you don't agree wi' me on any of it. A lot of people will never have to deal with this on a daily basis. Hopefully I'll be back with a more positive and/or funny blog soon. :)


  1. Yes I hate them too but they are probably just trying to express themselves, in the only way they can think of, it's probably a bit of a mating display to impress the girls too isn't it?

    1. I could think of several ways to express oneself, more worthwhile and cheaper ways but still. I dunno, that kinda shit doesn't impress me and I love cars! But I also never went out trying to find a bloke who had a driving licence at 17...

  2. you are a scumbag do not insult subaru that car in the picture is not modified in the slightest the car comes like that its alot safer and nicer than your women car as celicas are unreliable aside from the old type and the gt4 buy a proper toyota (ae86 or supra) you moaning jackass (i understand why the modification of tiny cars is annoying) im not a chav i live in rural ireland(rally central)

    1. Did I say that the Subaru in that picture was modified in any way? No. Get your bloody facts straight. This was me expressing my own opinion on this subject and obviously you have yours. Say all you want about Celica's, about it being a woman car, y'know I am a woman after all. Besides, didn't the old style Celica feature in rallying back in the day? I've had no major problems with mine I do know how to look after it.

      Now, I don't take to having verbal abuse directed at me personally especially on a topic where it's obvious I'm having a rant. Now. Kindly fuck off and get a life.