Friday, 4 May 2012

Video Games and my love affair with their men.

Yes you read that right. But if you are a gamer that just so happens to be female then you will understand PERFECTLY. Totally did not write that in a creepy way.

According to some people, men (the straight ones at least) are easily pleased by well… tits mainly. Yeah we could go in to the whole “the game industry is dominated by men that’s why all the female characters fit the supposed target audiences’ idea of a fit bird” bullshit but I won’t. Again the ladies reading this will know what I’m on about. But whatever, this is not what this blog entry is about. This is about as the title says; my love affair with male video game characters.

Y’know, when I think back to stuff I’ve ever said or think about guys I’ve dated I’ve actually been pretty vague if you know what I mean. I’ve dated all kinds of guys which in reality made me think that I genuinely didn’t have a “type.” But, it’s only up until recently (sort of) that I figured it out, I DO in fact have a type. I remember the exact moment it happened properly and I quote a previous blog I did.

“Love love LOVE the Uncharted games. I am actually in love with Nathan Drake. In fact, I had an affair with him on November 2nd when I received the game in the mail that morning then later that afternoon, my then boyfriend dumped me. So after the few hours I spent bawling an' screaming obscenities at the tit, I remembered he was preventing me from cracking on with playing U3. So in the end I didn't feel upset, but really fucking angry because the ex was keeping me from PLAYING MY FUCKING NEW GAME. So when the bawling an' the screaming subsided then turned to pure anger, I cracked on with U3 an' began to fill meself with post break-up Jaffa Cakes... a 36 box full of the bastards.”

I figured it out; I’m the stereotypical girl who does the whole “tall, dark and handsome” thing. Though to be honest the tall bit is quite easy as I’m only 5’3” when I stop dragging my knuckles, the dark bit is somewhat negotiable and the handsome? Well duh. Handsome. Yes please. No woman wants a munter really. But either way, it’s not just video game characters who have confirmed this but also my adoration for rugby players too. Many who I do like fit all the above criteria. But like I said, those three things aren’t exactly hard to accomplish. Maybe only the handsome bit though. Funny thing is, when somebody asks me if I’m up to anything that evening or the weekend or whatever, I usually reply with “I got a date with (insert character’s name here) an’ a box of Jaffa Cakes.” People tend to know it’s not a real date but I am in fact going to sit in front of the telly playing video games.

But video games are my sort of release. Some women watch soppy chick-flicks, some women read gushy romance novels, or they do something else entirely. I myself, play video games. More and more women are getting involved in video games these days whether it be playing them or if they’re directly involved in the production of them. And it’s a thing I’m extremely happy about because even though not many women are involved directly, there has been that breakthrough in to a very male orientated line of work. You can tell the difference between a game or even the characters when it’s had women involved in either design or even in the main story. I think women are a bit more considerate in that way, we have our own interests at heart but we also chuck in some stuff for the fellas too. Yeah, we’re nice like that. Haha! If you don’t believe me I got just two words for you… Duke Nukem.

Seriously that series is my ultimate nightmare. It leads me to believe that the only females in the offices where it all came together never had any direct involvement in it and they only made the tea and the god-damn sandwiches.

So this then leads me on to the main objective of this post… Which probably has absolutely nothing to do with what I just wrote there. It also probably gives the fellas a slight look in to our thinking/psyche. ‘Cause when men question; “What do women want?” Don’t bother asking us. Whilst we can give you some kind of answer, it is utterly pointless ‘cause at the end of the day we have no bloody idea ourselves. But this is the point of view from a woman whos main relationships in life are with fictional characters. Yes they may be fictional but they are what would be considered to be something of an idea of what women would really like in real life. Men talk about how their ideal woman would most likely cook and clean for them, be about 5’7”, lean, blonde, make their mates jealous ‘cause she’s so stunning and don’t reserve blowjobs for special occasions such as birthdays. That’s all trivial physical shit. Yes women may be shallow too but when we talk about our ideal guy, we tend to list their personality traits first NOT the physical ones. 99% of the time we do anyway.


Yes I felt the need to put that all in caps, so sue me.
So here we go, in no particular order…

Dante (Devil May Cry series)

Dante is obviously not under the “Dark” bit of TDH. (Tall, Dark and Handsome.) But still he is tall and handsome and has kinda of wicked silvery white hair. Unless you consider Ninja Theory’s DmC re-boot Dante, to which all the crazy fanboys (or girls) will start screaming “OH MY GOD THAT ISN’T DANTE!” whine whine whinge and so on.

But Dante is essentially a lovable yet cocky shit. He is somewhat of a bad-boy as in he has a slight amount of that persona but you can tell he’s not an all-out bad guy. He is just kinda suave but a bit belligerent at the same time. But really when you think about it, we ladies do love a guy on the edge plus he really does seem like the kind of guy you could go out and party with. Which refers me back to the “what women want” thing. We say we like a nice guy, we say we like a bad-boy, blah blah. We’re fickle. That’s it at the end of the day. Honestly we don’t know our arse from our elbow even though we say we do.
Plus Dante is an ultra acrobatic half-human/half-demon dude who hunts demons for a living. Now that’s pretty cool. Although the constant diet of pizza and occasional use of appallingly terrible one liners are quite bad, it’s all easily overlooked. Right ladies?

Leon S. Kennedy and Chris Redfield (Resident Evil series)


If there’s anyone out there on this planet that doesn’t know that I absolutely ADORE Resident Evil, then where the hell you been?! I started playing Resident Evil back in ’98 when I was barely 12 years old. Yeah I know I wasn’t “old” enough to play games like that but to be honest, me parent’s weren’t all that bothered what I played or watched. In fact mother’s more bothered now with what I play and watch compared to almost 14 years ago. But that’s not the point here.

Leon. I actually love Leon. So much so I named my cat after him. People seem to think I got the name from the Luc Besson movie starring Jean Reno as the titular character “Leon” but no that’s not it at all. We’ve seen Leon go from being a wet-behind-the-ears rookie cop in Resident Evil 2, to nothing short of a total badass in the more recent games. (I’m saying Resident Evil 6 now ‘cause remember folks it’s out at the end of this year!) But along the way it’s obvious he’s maintained an amount of compassion. He’s got a job to do and he’s damn well doing it but that doesn’t mean he can’t give a shit along the way so he’s also committed, clever and brave. He is the kind of guy you would want to come and rescue you then eventually you’d be swooning. Plus I stand by my saying that he’s Auburn. A lot of people would say otherwise but I am telling you now he IS a ginge. Whatever. Leon is a character who has definitely gotten physically more attractive over the years but I this is mainly due to the fact that we have been through more technological advances since the PSone. He along with Chris and every other character in the gaming world now look human. It’s wonderful.


Ahhh Chris. I know a lot of Resi fans have a love/hate relationship with Chris. I however don’t as I actually quite like him. Not as much as Leon I admit that but there is just something that Chris has that I like. He is a man on a mission, plus he has more than enough of his own personal vendettas to deal with too. It’s evident in the trailers for Resident Evil 6 and I reckon he’s going to be out for blood. He really does make for interesting watching.

What gets me though is that major bitch people had when Resi 5 was revealed and everybody went a bit crackers over Chris’s appearance. Remember everybody thought he was a ‘roid head and he was smuggling melons about in his arms? Not being funny here but I am a somewhat shallow woman (at times) and any man who looks like he could bench-press me a bazillion times without breaking a sweat and also save me from some very bitey zombies then they’re alright in my book.

Really though with Chris and Leon you wouldn’t kick either of them out of bed in a morning would you? So long as they weren’t covered in zombie and bits of stinking B.O.W.

Altaïr, Ezio and Desmond (Assassin’s Creed series.)

Just look at that. That is one meaty triple decked man-wich I’d love to be in the middle of. All three are different, obviously for the fact that they’re three different characters and also due to being from different times but they’re different in some fabulous ways. Altaïr is the moody but driven type, Ezio is the honour bound family-man and part-time Casanova, and Desmond turns from a confused runaway, to a guinea pig to to finally realising who and what he is.

Plus they all somewhat share the same face, courtesy of the lovely Francisco Randez who by the way is incredibly good looking. In fact those words don’t do the man justice so I’ll just say “PHWOOOAARRRRRRR!” instead.


What cracks me up though is that in each game, you get to see more of the character, physically I mean. Of course you can see all of Desmond’s face, we all know what Ezio looks like but then he does become hoodie when he needs to, but Altaïr; you only really get to see his whole face later in the series. But one thing’s for sure, you know that they’re all well buff under that clobber. Can’t go shimmying up buildings and the like without some kind of strength eh? So there really is something for every(woman) in the AC series. I’m greedy though I want the lot hahaha!

Nathan Drake (The Uncharted series)

No man-character list/collection of random mutterings would be complete without having Mr. Nathan Drake on it. Seriously though everybody loves him in some kind of way; even guys do. Drake really is one of those characters who has had such an impact on the gaming world, he’s a character that everyone can relate to in some kind of way. He’s handsome, charismatic, well-travelled, clever, witty, humorous, curious and various other words ending in ous. The kind of guy who finds himself in totally ridiculous situations and laughs about it, usually to himself while he’s climbing up the side of some ancient building.

Which is on a cliff.

Which is receding.

And half the building has fallen in to the sea already.

You get my drift. But that’s the draw with Drake he puts himself in to all these mad situations; situations may I add that we would all probably dream of being in. Well the hunting for ancient relics and mythical lost treasures part of it but you know what I mean. I think people really wouldn’t want some crazy gun-toting madman and his mercs chasing after them but I guess that comes part and parcel with the job.

But whatever. Drake has won the hearts of everyone just for being a normal bloke in an extraordinary situation. Plus I have met the voice of Nathan Drake himself. Mr. Nolan North aka “The guy who’s in absolutely EVERYTHING!” He’s a nice bloke, very funny but he demolished most of our lunch buffet…

And said I was scary. Haha!

Oh yeah before I forget, here's some footage of us at the Uncharted Audition Tournament. You get to see all the fabulous people I met plus you can see me being all Northern. It was great fun I enjoyed every minute. I miss everyone so much the amount of time we had together was nowhere near long enough. We're all planning a meet up at some point so I hope it goes ahead. :)