Let me show you my (beastly) legs...

(WARNING: Not for those of a nervous disposition. Or for those who think women are these creatures that have no/very little body hair and think it should always be that way.)

Now, I am hairy. VERY hairy in fact I could actually pass for either a bloke or some other hairy creature.

It all started a few years ago when I was in the shower one night. I used to shave pretty much everything. That one night I took in to the shower with me of course, shampoo, conditioner, a triple bladed disposable razor, shaving gel an' body wash. The usual woman stuff.

For some reason, I went through me teens relatively spot an' embarrassing hair free. Soon as I turned 20 everything went tits up. I started getting spots, me body hair started getting a LOT darker an' more aggressive. It was almost like the typical teen hormones/bad shit had decided to completely bypass that time of me life an' instead plague me in me 20's. Which was nice of it.

But that night int shower really did change me mind on how I groom meself. There I was, rinsing the shampoo out of me hair when it all decided to travel down me face in to me eyes. I can't stand water going in me eyes let alone soap which I doubt anyone would like getting in there. So I'm screaming me head off flailing about in me shower trying to get this soap out of me eyes, whilst trying to find a flannel to dry me face an' eyes with so I could open 'em without any more water/soap getting in 'em.

Meanwhile, that triple bladed disposable razor I had just finished using an' well blunted after one use had dropped out of the shower caddy I have in there on to the shower tray.

I stood on it.

Big toe, 3 massive horribly deep cuts right on the under side of me big toe.

I screamed me head off. Flung meself out the shower faster than shit flies off a shovel then proceeded to wrap what seemed like yards of toilet paper round me now gushing big toe whilst pissed wet through. Took a few attempts to get dry bog roll round it an' apply some pressure to stop the bleeding.

I also ended up with quite dry scraggly hair that evening as I didn't get round to using any conditioner but that's not the point. It took at least a month for the cuts on me big toe to heal. I hobbled around everywhere 'cause I couldn't put any weight on that toe. I couldn't put plasters on it 'cause they would just make the skin all soggy so I pretty much went around wearing flip flops.

During that time I barely shaved. I thought; "Why am I doing this?" Honestly, I had no real reason to shave at all, just for an aesthetic reason. I wore jeans all the time, I barely wore anything where you can see me arms/underarms/legs/whatever, I had no bloke at the time to speak of. So why was I doing it? I looked at me legs after they had been shaved an' all I saw was dry, bleeding skin an' plenty of razor burn. I did everything to try an' prevent it like exfoliating an' using a good lotion' but it never worked. Every time I shaved after, it just happened again. Plus I'd always make more additions to the collection of cuts I had. Plus I was going through a pack of razors an' a full tin of shaving gel every week, it was getting ridiculous.

So after that instead of shaving every other day, it went to once a week. Then to once a fortnight. Then on to once every month. Then it got to the point where I would go for months an' month an' not even THINK about shaving.

So I had an idea a few years back. Why don't I just go get everything waxed off once in a while, so I can be hair free all over for weeks an' weeks instead of having to put meself through the whole shaving thing again? I did just that. I found an' absolutely fantastic waxer in Edinburgh who specialises in both male an' female intimate waxing.

Her name is Sam an' she's the genius behind Sin Waxing. Every time I go, I get the works done. Legs, arms, belly, pits, a full Hollywood, even me arse crack. And I can knowingly say that Sam is the only person I know who can wax me eyebrows PERFECTLY and exactly how I like 'em. I can highly recommend Sam so if you're ever around the Edinburgh area then go see her. She's incredibly professional, very reasonably priced an' makes you feel so comfortable when she's working you'd end up wondering why you never went to get your bits de-fuzzed properly before. Not only that but she usually has the telly on too so you can have a right good bitch about the crap that's on an' don't have to listen to any pretentious singing whale an' cackling dolphin music most beauticians play, nor does she do the whole "Are you going on holiday this year?" small talk/crappy banter thing. You can have a proper conversation an' a laugh with Sam which is awesome.

I always come out of Sam's feeling dead chuffed wi' meself an' half a stone lighter seeing as I've probably had that amount of hair removed from me. She also does IPL treatments too and has varying offers on block treatments if that's your sort of thing.

So now here they are. Me beastly legs.

Yeah I know you don't need to tell me it's gross. But I don't care. That's just me shins, there's actually a lot less in some parts of me legs 'cause I have been getting them waxed. I have very little on me calves an' above me knees now. Plus it it taking a lot longer for the hair to come through an' it's not as thick, it actually used to be a lot worse. I will be making another appointment with Sam when the weather starts getting warmer so I can wear me summer clothes without being burned a witch or whatever in Hawick for being a freak of nature. I jest, I don't do this for anyone's benefit/disgust or whatever. It's for me. maybe if I did have a bloke I would be a bit more pro-active in getting rid of it, but to be honest if any potential suitors see this me chances are probably gone haha! But if a bloke can't see past this to you as a person then well, balls to 'em.

But don't get me wrong, I don't like the hair being there especially when it starts to make me itch then the thought does cross me mind to get a razor an' get rid of it. But I put up with it. I'm doing me skin a favour. I'd rather put up with having the hair there for a few months then going through the annoying pain, not hurty pain of having it waxed off than having to shave every other day an' end up with legs full of red bumps, cuts an' the dry skin scalyness of a shedding snake. I'm not keeping it there for some hipster going against the grain of mainstream beauty ideals. It stays there because I'm single, I live in Scotland where it rains most of the time an' our summer is pretty much 6 hours of decentish weather spread out over the several months halfway through the year.

That an' I don't wanna accidentally try an decapitate me big toe again...

The problem with "Men" an' shopping...

Am knackered. Absolutely KNACKERED. Barely got 5 hours sleep last night. Don't ask me why but I was having a hard time getting to sleep an' staying asleep.


So anyway, a bit after I finished work me dad announces that he's off in to town to go get ciggies an' stuff. Of course me father get's "shopping" as in "absolutely nothing of nutritional value or use." Dad's "shopping" primarily consists of cake, crisps, pies, cake, an' more cake. He also normally comes back with some kind of medication to for whatever ailment his hypochondriac mind has decided he has this week. An tonight has been no different. He come back with above mentioned shite.


Now, before he went I asked him to get me some Coke or Pepsi. Just straight forward Full-Fat Coke or Pepsi. Either one am not bothered so long as it's Full Fat. (Interesting note here, in the UK, possibly the rest of Europe we don't have any cola "throwbacks" mainly because we don't really use HFCS in our full fat sodas int first place.)


Now here's my thing...Can you tell the difference between this:

And this...

And this?!

Well, according to me father there IS no difference!

Yes it might be me being harsh again but come on nobody's that stupid. He blames it on being "close-up blind" as he says or long-sighted to you an' me. Now I have been shopping with me father, he literally picks up the first thing he gets too then he's off 'cause he get's estate sick when he's away from work for more than 15 minutes on non-work related whatever. Either that or he really is dim OR he's bringing me this shit back on purpose 'cause he doesn't want asking again. I asked him for full fat Coke or Pepsi.He brought me back a 6 pack of Pepsi Max an' a 6 pack of Diet Pepsi'cause it was "on offer an he didn't know what to get so he got two different kinds."

Some people say "Awww Georgie don't be so rough on him he's trying!" I say "No." This is the man who has had women running about after him for most of his life. First his mother, now it's me an' me mam. He can't cook. Heck he can't even boil a pan of water without ballsing it up. He's been banned from attempting to cook a fry-up 'cause he coats the entire kitchen in grease, fills the kitchen with blue smoke then he doesn't move his plate in to the utility rooms where the dishwasher is. He leaves it ont table, with his chair a yard away from it waiting for either me or me mam to shift it.

This is also the man who doesn't speak to us for days if we genuinely forget to buy him a lottery ticket with our own money.

This is also the man who said that if he was meant to wash dishes, he'dve been born with a pair of tits.

SO! For the single ladies this is my advice to you. You want a fella who can at least do all if not most of these things.

1: Cook at least one or two meals. It's not always your duty to make sure he's fed all the time. As the saying goes "I'm not your mother." An' it's true you aren't!

2: Offer to go out to eat once in a while, regardless of if he's a shite cook or not.

3: Pick up basic groceries an' bits an' bobs at the supermarket in the brand you normally use/like without having his hand held.

4: Actually DO bits around the house. Not "I put them shelves up" which you remember were put up three years ago, not three days ago like HE remembers. I mean things like take out the bins, load/unload the dishwasher, whip round the living room with the hoover once a week, actually put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Etc...

5: Not expect you to do EVERYTHING. "A woman's work is never done" an' that can't be true enough. You yourself can't claim or expect you can do everything an' neither should he. Give an' take from both parties remember. :)